Rainy afternoon. So I wrote this, composed entirely of headlines from The Guardian's 'Experience' section:
I'm afraid of stairs. I'm allergic to sunlight. I'm allergic to everything. My tongue is worth £1m. Muhammad Ali was my mentor. I'm the world's oldest wing walker. I'm a sex-somniac. I'm a man and a woman. I'm a championship arm-wrestler. I can't stop stealing. I feel other people's pain. One drink and I'm dead. I eat roadkill. I say 'biscuit' 900 times an hour. I live with 24 crocodiles in an Oxford semi. I climb erupting volcanoes for fun. I have a phobia of sound. And I don't wear shoes. --- I was adrift on a raft in the Atlantic for 76 days. I have had a headache for 6 years. I didn't leave my house for a decade. I was silent for 11 years. I was celibate for 12 years. I've played a game of tag for 23 years. I disappeared for 30 years. (I spent 29 years in solitary confinement.) I was 30 before I learned to read. I've worn the same outfit as my husband for 35 years. My first love has stalked me for 40 years. I found my friend after 40 years, and married her. I found my sister after 47 years. I couldn't read until I was 60. I am a 91-year-old bodybuilder. --- My best friend blinded me. My reindeer tried to kill me. I caught the plague from my cat. My dog found my cancer. A stranger pushed me on to train tracks. A stranger snatched my daughter. (I nearly died defending strangers.) I was bitten by a rattlesnake. My microwave nearly killed me. My holiday romance nearly killed me. Running a marathon nearly killed me. My dad ran me over. I sent my dad to prison. --- I was trapped in my car hanging off a motorway bridge. My bungee cord snapped. I fell off a cliff. I fell out of the sky. I fell 30ft dressed as Spider-Man. I fell through a wood chipper. My arm was torn off by a tractor. I was swept away by white-water rapids. I was swept away by a flood. I nearly drowned. I was swallowed by a hippo. I've been rescued 15 times. --- I was a sperm donor for my friends. Being a sperm donor gave me a sense of responsibility. I taught a homeless man to code. I saved a toddler trapped on a roof. I saved a man from drowning himself. I caught a falling baby. My house was destroyed by lightning. --- I prevented a motorway pile-up. I was held up at gunpoint in a bank raid. I found my birth mother five minutes from home. I lost my dad on the London underground. I became a pop star overnight. I blew myself up at a festival. I was an internet troll. A typo led me to my soulmate. I discovered a new species up my nose. I had a worm in my brain. I saved my school class during a tornado. I was flung from a moving truck. I survived an earthquake while scuba diving. I inherited a giant hole in the ground. I taught myself to see. I went blind on my wedding day. I was a bartender in Antarctica. I woke up with a Russian accent. I invented the vuvuzela. I started a forest fire. I met my sister for the first time in prison. I was the daughter of a mafia boss. I punched a bear. I was crushed by a cow. I saved a man's life while singing Stayin' Alive. And I was shot in the face by a crossbow. --- I could never live up to being a child prodigy.
August 2016